It’s been quite a week. We’ve seen millions tune in to watch a prince and his wife be interviewed, desperate for some gossip about a family, so far removed from any normal family that we talk about them (and they talk about themselves) as a business.
We’ve seen a successful – if devisive journalist and presenter stomp off set live on telly, because someone challenged him.
We’ve seen racism and sexism by the bucket load. We’ve seen al lot of what aboutery and a lot of we’re not like that.
We’ve seen debates turn into arguments and we’ve seen arguments turn into abuse.
We’ve seen news that a serving police officer has been arrested on suspicion of murdering a young woman. That news had led to an outpouring of women, talking about their own horrific experiences of feeling vulnerable, unsafe, abused, in danger and unprotected in public – which in turn, has led to some absolute bell ends proving their point by blaming them for being out, or for being attractive.
What we’ve also seen, if we look close enough, is warmth and compassion – all be it, in considerably smaller doses than the meanness that seems to be so rampant in the world at the moment.
As a heterosexual, white male, I have never been so aware of my privilege.
Many years ago, in my late teens, I had the good fortune to meet a beautiful, kind, young woman who was incidentally from Jamaican heritage. I was possibly naive to be shocked at the abuse we received from strangers as well as supposed friends. I was aware of people staring disapprovingly at us in the street, in shops or at the skating rink. I was more shocked and horrified when someone I knew quite well asked me quite openly in a crowd of friends if I was still banging that ni@#er.
I dare say he was quite shocked at the response it got from me.
This tiny amount of exposure to overt racism in no way qualifies me to speak on behalf of those who experience much worse on a daily basis for simply having a different skin tone to us.
I have no idea how it feels to walk into a room full full of people that look different to me but look very similar to those people that have shouted abuse at me in the street or threatened me with violence. I cant comprehend how it must feel to know that the likelihood of me being arrested is much higher than other innocent people, or indeed that if I am arrested the assumption will almost certainly be one of guilt.
I cant begin to comprehend how it must feel to see banners saying black lives matter, and then hear people saying they disagree.
I do know that the only way it will change is by debate, discussion and education. No one is born racist, just like no body is born sexist. Black people complaining to other black people on Twitter will achieve absolutely nothing. Non black people must be involved in the conversation. We need to learn. That’s not say in any way that the black people complaining on Twitter don’t have the right to do so. They absolutely do.
Of course, debate and discussion alone will not change anything. There also needs to be action. There needs be zero tolerance. If that means jailing people, so be it. No doubt the free speech brigade will be up I arms at such suggestion. Now, I’m all for freedom of speech, as long as it is accompanied with responsibility and respect.
There’s no doubt that society has created a system where anyone that accidentally offends someone will in turn feel the wrath and fury of a million people being immeasurably more mean and rude in response, than the initial comment ever intended. There does seem to be a distinct lack of resilience these days.
There is though a huge difference between some body accidentally using the wrong pro noun for example, and someone deliberately setting out to hurt, harm, victimise, prejudice or harm someone.
In the last couple of days millions of women have been sharing their experiences following the disappearance of Sarah Everard. The photograph of her face had been widely shared on social media and by news outlets before the horrifying news that remains had been found, and a serving policeman arrested. I use the term Policeman deliberately. If it causes offence then that is a dent in your character, not mine.
In reply to those women’s stories, some men have felt the need to defend them selves with not all men are like that. No, thankfully they are not but that statement does nothing to make those women safer. True, not all men are dangerous predators that stalk women or follow them home at night or touch them inappropriately, or make them feel uncomfortable; but statistically in most cases where women suffer such abuses, the perpetrator is male.
Some women and men post pictures of themselves on social media. Often those pictures are greeted with insults. Sometimes the response is a picture of a man’s genitalia. I see women almost daily, writing that they have been propositioned or had unsolicited dick pics sent to them. It is tempting when I hear this to shout as loudly as I can that this is not normal! This isn’t what most men do. It makes no sense, but that will not stop it happening.
I cannot begin to understand how those women feel. I have never been afraid to be out on my own at night. I’ve never worried that the length of one of my garments might lead someone to believe that it’s an invitation to touch me. I’ve never been sent naked pictures of unwanted body parts.
Like the debate about racism has to include people of all skin colours, the debate about how men should behave towards women has to include people of all gender.
It is the responsibility of men to educate our sons and nephews, that is it not acceptable to be abuse, molest, violate or murder our sisters, daughters and mothers.
Even those of us that try to understand, and try to do what is decent and right, can learn from discussion.
Just when I begin to despair that the world has become an unkind place full of extremists and nutters, I am reminded that most people are still kind and decent. I regularly speak to people on social media that I have never met in real life. They are generally people that I have a shared interest with, or people that have written something I agree with -or something I disagree with. The majority of people are able to do this in a kind and decent way. To those that are not able I say this; STOP BEING A DICK. IT’S NOT BIG AND IT’S NOT CLEVER.
Jason Holyhead 